


T'was The Night Before Christmas

by OrangeJuiceLesbian



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Crack, Christmas Eve, Crack, Drabble, Everybody Lives, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, How Do I Tag, M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, The Holidays, What Was I Thinking?, Winter, rated t for one (1) swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28265571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeJuiceLesbian/pseuds/OrangeJuiceLesbian
Summary: The Eye decides to read a bedtime story on Christmas Eve.Only one person can hear this, and it's sending them insane. The other thinks it's very entertaining.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	T'was The Night Before Christmas

**_T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the flat,_ **

**_Not a creature was stirring, not even a cat._ **

While it wasn’t a cat, there was a creature stirring, as Jon had just gotten into bed to sleep. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. It was Christmas Eve, not that he or Martin cared for the religious aspect, and The Eye was bored. Jon whispered, “Really? A bedtime story? Oh, for fuck-”

**_The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,_ **

**_In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there._ **

“We don’t even have a chimney, at least be accurate.” He clearly hadn’t noticed the changes to the first two lines then. This was the comment that alerted Martin, who sat up.

“What’s happening?” he yawned.

“The Eye is reading me ‘A Visit From St. Nicholas’.” Well at least Martin knew where in the poem they were at.

“Oh. Well, it couldn’t say ‘dropped near the radiator’, could it?” Martin hummed, amused.

**_The cats were nestled all snug in their beds,_ **

**_While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads._ **

“Oh good lord. It personalised it, changing children to cats,” Jon huffed, as Martin stifled his laughing. Well, The Eye wasn’t wrong, their cats were all in their own little beds with little blankets that Martin had knit. “This isn’t funny,” he said, leaning against the headboard, arms crossed.

“Oh, it absolutely is. There’s a running commentary, and everything,” Martin grinned, nudging Jon’s shoulder.

**_And Martin in his ‘kerchief, and Jon in his cap,_ **

**_Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap._ **

Jon groaned at the changes, “Literally neither of us have a ‘kerchief’ or ‘cap’. This is stupid.”

“I think there’s a handkerchief in one of the drawers, if it’ll help set the scene…”

“Martin,” Jon spoke, fondly, even if it was to tell him to shut up.

**_When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,_ **

**_He sprang from the bed to see what was the matter._ **

**_Away to the window he flew like a flash,_ **

**_Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash._ **

“You know, I’m not getting up to see what’s outside.” His arms were still crossed, but possibly tighter now, then Jon moved closer to Martin - if it was possible. “I’ve got warmth now, a living hot water bottle. I’m not getting up to see.”

**_The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow_ **

**_Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below._ **

**_When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,_ **

**_But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer._ **

“Is this because I specifically told you not to tell me what’s in the presents under the tree?” Jon asked, out of complete curiosity. Martin bit his lip, partly so he didn’t interrupt, but also because it was quite sweet that his gift would be a surprise, rather than last year, when it looked as though Jon had been aggressively yelled at what was in the box (no, not Gwyneth Paltrow’s head).

**_With a little old driver, so lively and quick,_ **

**_Jon knew in a moment it must be St Nick._ **

**_More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,_ **

**_And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!_ **

**_"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!_ **

**_On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!_ **

**_To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!_ **

**_Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"_ **

“You monster! At least get it right, it’s Don _d_ er, not Donner,” Jon almost shouted at the ceiling, as he wasn’t sure where else to look. This was the moment Martin started to lose it, snorting through his laughter at the whole situation - it was how serious Jon was about it all.

**_As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,_ **

**_When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky._ **

**_So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,_ **

**_With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too._ **

**_And then, in a twinkling, he heard on the roof_ **

**_The prancing and pawing of each little hoof._ **

**_As he drew in his head, and was turning around,_ **

**_Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound._ **

“I swear, if we’re in for a home-invasion, I’ll send Martin with a cricket bat.”

**_He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,_ **

**_And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot._ **

**_A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,_ **

**_And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack._ **

“I can promise you now, all that fur won’t help him survive being beaten to death with a wooden bat,” he muttered, through gritted teeth, that Martin could just about hear. Jon clearly hadn’t noticed how much Martin was enjoying the one-sided conversation yet, as he pressed on.

**_His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!_ **

**_His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!_ **

**_His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,_ **

**_And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow._ **

Jon turned to Martin, nodding towards the kitty curled up in his lap, “Do you think we could train The Captain to attack?”

“I don’t think you could train her to do anything.”

**_The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,_ **

**_And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath._ **

**_He had a broad face and a little round belly,_ **

**_That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!_ **

“He’s not smoking in here. Our landlord would murder us…”

**_He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,_ **

**_And Jon laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself!_ **

**_A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,_ **

**_Soon gave Jon to know he had nothing to dread._ **

“I will not laugh!” a playful anger rising, only because he realised what it sounded like to an outsider. 

**_He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,_ **

**_And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk._ **

**_And laying his finger aside of his nose,_ **

**_And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!_ **

**_He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,_ **

**_And away they all flew like the down of a thistle._ **

**_But they heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,_ **

**_"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"_ **

For Jon, there was silence. Martin just waited. Jon’s eyes widened slightly, before asking “Is it over? Can we go to sleep now?” Still nothing. “Thank you.”

He and Martin finally settled down properly, The Captain sitting at the end of their bed, as they tried to sleep.

That was until Martin, in a hushed voice, wondered, “Hey, maybe Tim was right about Father Christmas working for The Eye-”

“No,” rather abruptly, then Jon sighed as he thought about it more, “Is there any chance he won’t find out about this?”

“I doubt it. I’m definitely telling Sasha," Martin teased.

Tomorrow was definitely going to be interesting...

**Author's Note:**

> For the people who put up with me and my stupidity. I may not know the order of the planets, but I do know that a lime is a fruit.


End file.
